Post by paully on Aug 29, 2017 16:47:14 GMT -5
Jersey City and Harsimus Cemetery
8/25/17
8/25/17
Brandon stood in front of the tombstone of his deceased brother, Jayden “Gambino” Gamble. He couldn’t help but smile as he read “Gambino” repeated on the tombstone multiple times before a tear slid down his cheek. He immediately swiped it away, his eyes fixed on the tombstone.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen, Jay…” he began, the tears building up in his eyes. “You and Ty were supposed to get married. Have kids. You were supposed to walk me out every single time I had an MMA fight...and now you won’t. You never will again.”
Stopping himself, Brandon rubbed his eyes to push the tears away and sniffled.
“You know....” he stopped, forcing out a laugh before he continued. “You know better than anyone that I can’t open myself up, but I can--” he stopped, sniffling once more. “--I can’t live like this anymore, Jay. I can’t be a slave anymore. I can’t keep popping pills because I can’t handle what the fuck I actually am...what I’ve become.”
He moved forward, his hand touching the top of the tombstone.
“It ain’t right, breh. None of this is right. This should be me buried six feet under, not you. The weirdest part, breh? Everyone keeps tellin’ me how I’m their rock.” he hesitated, no longer pushing the tears away from his eyes. “You were my rock, and I fuckin’ hate the fact that I’ll never actually be able to tell you that. You always were my rock. Day one, Jay. Since day one. I remember coming home from school and you were already at my brib with this big ass, doofy fuckin grin on your face because you stole some shit that you knew I wanted.”
The tears wouldn’t stop now as Brandon backed away, but his eyes remained on the tombstone.
“I would literally trade everything I’ve accomplished, everything I own just to have you back. Just to hear you say Gambino again. Just to see that big ass doofy grin on your face...but life doesn't work that way. I think we both realized a long time ago that life? It never goes the way you want it to. But I could’ve saved you, breh. I should have fucking been there!”
The emotions began taking over, a sigh escaping out of Brandon’s chest.
“And I wasn’t. I wasn’t because I was too focused on myself. I wasn’t because I thought you had everything under control in Cali, and look what the fuck happened, Jay. Look at WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!”
Brandon began rubbing his fingers against the side of his head, turning his Mets snapback around afterward.
“I can’t help but feel like I’m the reason for this, Jay. It’s killing me. This shit don’t get easier with every day that passes like they say it does. It just gets harder and harder to accept that you’re gone. I wake up every mornin’ thinkin’ that I’ma see a text from you tellin’ me that there’s some party in LA that I should come to. I keep goin’ to Mom’s thinkin’ I’ma see you there...but I don’t. I’m never gonna see you again, and I can---” he stopped, one single tear sliding down his cheek. “---I can’t get over that. But I have to. You’re probably staring down at me right now sayin’ snap out of it, B...but I can’t. Maybe all this shit is too fresh in my mind and I haven’t actually coped with it yet, but I’ll promise you this. I’m gonna be a better me for you, mom, Fel, everyone.”
He took a few more steps back but kept his eyes on his brother's tombstone.
“And I know exactly how to start. I love you, Jay. Always have. Always will.”
Moving three steps to the side, Brandon then stood in front of his father's grave that was directly next to Gambino’s.
“I start by forgiving you. I start by admitting that you weren’t a bad father, dad. I start by admitting everything I said about you was bullshit and I forced myself to hate you because you…” he turned away, sliding his hand down his face before he continued. “...you left me, and I hated it. I hated becoming the man of the house. I hated having all those responsibilities I wasn’t ready for. I hated…” he hesitated, tears now pouring out of his eyes. “I hated losing you, dad. You weren’t a bad man. You never were, but I made myself believe it because I---” he shook his head. “--- I just missed you so fucking much. I still do. I’ll never stop missing you, but I need you to know that I never hated you. I never will. I just---” he slid his fingers through his hair. “---you know how annoying it is to see all these people that are like ten years older than me still having their dad around? You know how much it hurts me to know you’ll never see your grandkids? You know much pain I feel every single fuckin’ day when Iook at your picture with me on your shoulders? I---”
He stopped momentarily.
“I wasn’t ready, dad. I had to teach my damn self how to shave. How to change a flat tire. How to build a fucking birdhouse that I still haven’t even fucking built!”
He laughed, looking away from his father’s tombstone for a mere second.
“I just wonder, dad. Are you proud of me? Are you ashamed of me? Have I done things right? Have I took care of the fam like you told me to do? Look around me, dad. Luke’s in a fucking coma. Fel’s about to start changing and she doesn’t even know it’s coming. Jayden…” he forced a laugh, “Well ya’ll are probably playing spades together right now. I’ve tried, dad. Tried so hard that I can’t even put it into words, but somewhere along the way... I fucked up. Maybe it’s our ancestors? Maybe it’s dumbass decisions? Maybe---Nah.” he shook his head, “It is me. Always has been, but like I told Jay… I’ma be a better me for all of ya’ll. You both deserve that much at the very least.”
He took a few steps back, now staring at both of their graves. His eyes immediately went back to his father’s, another tear sliding down his cheek.
“I never hated you, and I’m ashamed that I made myself hate you over something you had no control over. I just---” he moved forward, running his fingers against the engraving of his father's name. “---I miss you, dad. I’m done lying about you. I’m done force feeding people shit that makes you look like an asshole. You weren’t. You were the best….” he smirked, “...and that’s probably why I can’t let go.”
He backed away once more, swiping the tears out of his eyes immediately.
“But I promise you both...I’m not gonna try ODing again. I’m done with the pills, the booze, all of it. I’ma keep taking care of the fam. More importantly? I’m gonna keep ya’ll alive one way or another.”
He turned toward his brothers grave. “I’m sorry, Jay.” he turned to his father’s grave. “I’m sorry dad.”
He stepped away but kept his eyes locked on the two graves.
“For everything.”
Walking out of the cemetery, it felt like ten thousand pounds were removed from his chest. Despite the tears pouring out of his eyes, Brandon finally felt the closure he needed. He felt his brother and father’s presence within himself. He felt…
“Good.”
He took one last glance at the two graves, biting down on his lip to stop the tears from pouring of his eyes.
“Everything I do from now on...is for the fam.”
He saw the cemeteries caretaker and gave him a nonchalant wave before he moved toward his Bentley. He turned around once more, staring at the graves as he said:
“I love y’all. I wish I said that shit more…”
He pulled open his car door and hopped in. Wiping the tears away from his eyes, Brandon turned the ignition and pulled away.
Now? The only thing to do was stay true to his words.